Who Do I Think I Am? ... Human?

American. What does that even mean? When people think of the American culture, what comes to mind? Who are we?

America is made up of a lot of “others,” some of this, some of that, little bit of that other thing. America is a made up of immigrants, and the children of immigrants. So, who are we? Are we Chinese? Are we Japanese? French? Spanish? Brazilian? South African? Indian? (just to name a few) Or are we simply Human?

I spent the first 21 years of my life telling people I am Indian, but one day I had an epiphany, I had been lying to everyone, and more importantly I was lying to myself. I was and always have been an American. I had entered my first semester at UC Berkeley to study Anthropology. As an undergrad I have never questioned my cultural identity until then. I was apart of a leadership group that forced me to understand my identity. Understanding one’s Identity is the first level in the Social Change Model. This model looks at an individual's unique leadership style because everyone has the potential to become a great leader, one just needs to uncover what is within. I remember that in one of our very first meetings we were faced with the universal question of “where are you from?” It was very interesting to hear everyone’s answers. Then the circle came around to me and I didn't really know what to say, this room full of leaders were going to learn that I don’t know who I am. All eyes were on me and I didn’t have clue as to how to answer the simple yet so complex question I was presented with. People all around the world would kill, or risk being killed to call America home. My parents and grandparents worked hard so that my family, and I could have a life in this foreign land. Embarrassment came over me so I just said what I have always said, “Indian,” and I hope no one noticed that this internal battle was going on beneath the surface. As a child I was always asked where I was from, and the answer was always automatic: “India.” I was born in America and I was raised here, America is all I know, yet “India” was so familiar to me because I never really belonged. I never belonged because I looked different, and my family was different. As a result I believed I was different, but why does being American have to look so “cookie cutter,” whatever that is?

As a youngster living in the Bay Area (San Francisco, CA area), I have been mistaken for many different Identities, white, black, Mexican ... Other Asian. I have even been told I need to stop “acting black,” what does that even mean? I was even told to “Shut-up with your white a$$,” How do you know the color of my a$$? The more I think about this, it becomes more apparent to me as to why I have never said I was American, I am constantly perceived as being different. When people would ask where I was from and I would say Richmond, they were never satisfied with that answer. They would clarify their question by saying, “No, I mean where were you born?” If my skin was any shade of white, my answer would have been satisfactory, but being the shade of brown that I am, nothing I say would be good enough.

Flash forward to the year 2016… I currently work as a private tutor, and I said the typical old person phrase, “When I was in your grade….” but my student cut me off and said, “but that doesn’t count, you grew up in India.” In my disbelief, I said, “REALLY?!?! I didn’t know I attended school in India? Am I in India right now?” For whatever reason we are still conditioning our kids to see the difference, and it is feeding into the cycle of ignorance. I’m not saying we need to teach our kids to be “color blind,” but we need to teach them how to be color aware, or color brave.(check out this Ted talk on the topic of color brave here: http://www.ted.com/talks/mellody_hobson_color_blind_or_color_brave )

As I write this today I have made peace with who I am, however, one’s identity is forever changing. For the past few years, I have been struggling with trying to transition from being a student, in the traditional sense of the word, to something else. I know that I am meant for a bigger purpose, however, everyone around me is pushing marriage. As a 26 year old woman, often times the small talk I encounter at social gatherings is, “When you gonna get married?” Uhmm, doesn’t there need to be another party involved to take part in such an action? As far as I know I cannot marry myself! I even have a relative who (I have not even met) tried to set me up… ummm hello, you do not even know a single thing about me and you wanted to set ME up with someone I am to spend the “rest of my life” with? HA!!!! I understand where it comes from but I do not agree, this is where my Americanness comes in. I am expected to get married to be considered “settled,” in my mind marriage doesn’t mean that I am “settled.” Being settled means being an independent individual and being financially stable. Getting married is not the main focus of my life. It is the cultural norm and the window to have children is a small one, but having children is an entirely different story. I wish to meet my life partner organically, and not in some awkward setting at someone’s house. I want to be able to tell my friends and family an amazing story about how we met. I want to woo and to be “wooed.” Yes, maybe I am an American, or am I just conditioned by all of these romantic movies? Who knows? However, a part of me wonders if it is possible to have both, maybe this is coming from the weird limbo I have been living in my entire life. Not quite “American,” and definitely not “Indian.” Just trying to figure it out day at a time.