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What's Love Got to do With it?

  • Hareena Kaur
  • Dec 6, 2016
  • 10 min read

If I was doing something wrong you would tell me right? I have spent countless family gatherings feeling sh*tty about my life… Why?.. You may ask. Well ask no more, the reason behind this sh*ttyness is because, (drum-roll please!...) I am not married nor do I have any prospects of getting married anytime soon. I understand the reasons people have for lecturing me about getting married soon, but no one has asked me what I want. In the Indian culture arranged marriage is common, so when elders approach an unmarried person about the topic it is not out of the ordinary. Whenever I vent to my American friends, 9 times out of 10 my friends think I am crazy. First they think I am crazy because the concept of arranged marriage is completely foreign to them and second, the term “love marriage” sounds redundant. The concept of marrying for love is a very recent. People still find the practice of arranged marriage odd. If you take a look at the history books you will see that people married out of necessity. Marriage is and was an institution. Kings would marry to form political alliances, and average people would marry off their daughters in hopes of receiving a dowry. Dowry is when a bride is exchanged for goods, whether it be livestock or land. There are still some cultures in India who still practice this. Today, there are laws that protect women from being treated as property, however, it is still going on illegally. Some women in India do not have the luxury of having a choice of who they get to marry. I am sure they do not even get to see the other person, yet here I am in my world trying to avoid the topic completely. According to my friends I am too young to be worried, apparently I have time...? The argument I get from the “Indian world” is much different. There are more important things happening in the world, and I do not see why my marital status is ALWAYS what people want to discuss.

A few weeks ago, I had a family member rip into me for being unmarried. I just came home from work and I was getting ready for dinner. My male cousin stopped by to join us, as we were waiting for food I began to tell a funny story of something that happened to me earlier that day. My cousin then cut my story off before it even began, and yelled, “Why the HELL aren’t you married yet?” … WHAT? Did I miss something? I am used to getting these types of questions from the older generation, because of the culture and how things were done in the past. My cousin is from the same generation and he was raised in the same culture but what was his problem?!?! He talked off my ear for about 10 mins. Meanwhile, I was getting ready to cry ... no … not what you think ... from hunger! While fighting hunger I still managed to retain some of the word-vomit that was coming out of his mouth.

One argument that I often hear is that I am a girl. HA …. I didn’t notice. I’ve been on this planet for 26 years and I need still need someone else to point this fact out. The argument then turns into, you need someone to take care of you and provide for you. YEAH … because I, a GIRL, am incapable of doing it myself. When my family and I were working on preparations for a family wedding, my parents approached me had we had a conversation about me being next in line to get married. At this point in my life, I was at a crossroads. I had just graduated from university, and I was trying to figure out what was next for me (since the world didn’t end in 2012, I was forced to think about it). After “the talk” with my parents I took some time to seriously think about what we discussed. Was marriage, in fact, the next step for me? This was after all the choice that my older sister made. I was not as dismissive as I am now, because I took the time to think about what I wanted and not what was expected of me. I understand that my parents just want what is best for me and in the boundaries of this culture, what is best is marriage. Just like every 20 something year old I was ready to take on the world, I was ready to change it. In my mind marriage was only going to derail me from my dreams and living my potential. I am not ready to give up my freedom before I have even found it. I approached my brother and asked him how he knew it was time to get married (his marriage was arranged). He told me that there were goals that he wanted to accomplish before he took that step. After talking to him I began to wonder why I couldn’t set the same goals for myself, because I am a GIRL? The feminist inside me awoke. I went to my parents months later and told them I was not ready. It was time for me to set some goals and if I met someone along the way, great!

I am not saying that when anyone gets married, they lose their freedom, what I am trying to convey is that in the system of arranged marriage, there are things that are expected and a certain lifestyle that is implied. The lifestyle that comes to mind here, is one of a stereotypical Indian marriage. This is a marriage where the woman has to move in with her in-laws and has to be subservient to her husband. It is expected that the couple in question will have children right away. In this system I do not see how a wife would be able to further her career, unless your in-laws will ALLOW it. I have not accepted this as my fate. I am not ready to take on the responsibility of being another person’s property. I realize that this is not always the case, however, this is what my fear is if I agree to have an arranged marriage.

Another argument that I often get is that I am getting old, and if I wait too long it will be harder to have children. Yes, it is true, I know this. However, I never realized that people were so concerned with my window of fertility …. I’m not … should I be? Are my priorities mixed up? For some this may be a pressing issue, but the way I see it is that you can always adopt or freeze your eggs (yay for science!). I personally do not feel a great pull towards having kids. There are so many children in the world who do not have loving parents. and if I can give that to an innocent child, why not? There is no right age to get married and have children, age just represents the number of trips you have made around the Sun. Taking the step of marriage with anyone is something you have to mentally prepare yourself for and having children is not any different. You have to to find the right person to create life with. That is 18+ years of raising another human so that they are a functional being in the world. That is 18+ years you will have to interact with one another for the well being of your child/children.

I also hear the argument of, “ Your parents will be able to find you a better person than you could ever find on your own.” Sigh.* Where is the irrefutable evidence for this argument? I have heard of and seen many marriages end in divorce, love and arranged alike. How you meet your significant other doesn’t determine the quality of the marriage. It is true that arrange marriage may sift out the obvious psychos, but that is still no guarantee that it is the better option. Every marriage will have its own set of issues, but the goal is to be with someone who is willing to put time and effort into the relationship, not run away.

Then last (and my favorite), I always get the guilt trip of “Your parents are getting old, don’t you want to make them happy?” Of course I want to make my parents happy, without a doubt! However, I know that my parents want to see me happy as well. I will not be happy if I take that step with another person just because someone else wanted me to. If I give them happiness for the moment, how much potential pain could I cause them, as well as myself, in the future if the marriage fails? I honestly think that no one should make a life altering decision only to make another person happy. I would also like to point out that I am an individual, what I do or don’t do in life is only going to affect me and my life. Yes, my parents gave me life and I am grateful for that, but there comes a point where you have to step away and become your own person. I am my own person now, my parents raised me to be an independent thinker.

I know that I have not given any reason for you all to see the idea of arranged marriage on a positive light, so hear me out. My parents had an arranged marriage…. And as far as I know so has everyone in my family before them. My parents got married within 5 days of “meeting.” Actually, truth be told, they did not even meet! My mother did not even see my father let alone have a conversation. My parents have always told my siblings and I that back in their day you just did whatever your parents told you to do. 5 days later they were married. My mother was preparing to begin a life with a man she didn’t know and preparing to move across the world to this foreign land called, “America.” Nearly 38 years later, they are still married. Many people find this fact very odd, because we live in times where half of all marriages end in divorce. It is unbelievable that 2 people who didn't have a say in whom they would marry, are still together. Crazy, right? Well, I hope you are relieved when I tell you that this is not how marriages are arranged in this day and age.

My older siblings have had arrange marriages, and I do not think the concept is all bad. Both of my sibling had control over when they were ready to be introduced, and whether or not they wanted to continue to get to know the other person. There was no pressure from my parents. Some pros in this situation are that both parties know that marriage is on the table. You don’t have to wonder if the other person has commitment issues, because there will be a marriage at the end of it all, it’s just a matter of with whom. Another pro is that since your parents are the ones who set you up, there’s no wondering if your parents will be happy with your mate, after all they picked them. This is also important in the Indian culture because it is valued that your son or daughter is getting married into a well respected, “good” family. So, if you stay in the system of arranged marriage than you are almost guaranteed that the person your child is getting set up with will come from a good family.

I have many friends who have asked me if I am going to have an arranged marriage. Then our conversation often times turns into this whole thing of arrange marriage is not what they believe it to be. I remember telling one of my friends that the opposite of arrange marriage is called a “love marriage.” he began to laugh at me and said, “isn’t that a bit redundant?” When I heard these words fall out of his mouth, I was taken aback. Was this phrase redundant? I was raised hearing that phrase and I didn’t see anything wrong with it until that very moment. In the American world, one would marry someone else because they have a deep feeling of love (among other things) for the other person.

Another friend and I were talking about what actually constitutes as an arranged marriage and we concluded that there are more arranged marriages taking place then we actually think, but in the western world we just don’t hear about it. I have already talked about the history of arrange marriage, so you would know that my friend's comment about being redundant was not totally accurate. The phrase “arranged marriage” has been stigmatized. When people think of the practice they believe it to be something that only people of Middle Eastern, African and Asian descent do. People who clearly look as though they have a European background are not portrayed as having an arranged marriage, when in reality you will hear people utter the phrase, “my parents set me up.” For some reason this is not considered an arrange marriage…. Is it because the color of skin? Believe me … I know what I’m talking about, I’ve seen too many romantic comedies!!! That’s our problem… movies. They put unrealistic ideas in our heads then we become stuck .. but that’s another discussion.

I have realized that conversing with family is not a battle worth fighting. However, I do like to mess with some of the family members when they begin to get all lecturey. I think I even gave someone the impression that I might not be straight (I got a kick out of this one… needless to say my parents didn't find this as funny). Why is it that the older you get and the longer you stay single or unmarried people begin to think that you are gay? Well …. Yes, I am very HAPPY being single, because marriage is a lot more than just being in love with someone. I would gladly be single than spending the rest of my life with someone who is completely wrong for me. Love is a very small part of marriage. It is an institution, a contract between 2 parties, an expectation.

I can talk about this topic for days, but in actuality what is the point? Don’t get me wrong, hearing other people's ideas is always interesting, but we will ultimately do what is best for ourselves. At the end of the day, I always wonder why we spend so much energy talking and worrying about marriage. So please, if you are one of those family members who ask me, “when are you going to get married?” Just be ready for an ear-full, and you may wanna reconstruct your definition of “small talk.”

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