Do I Have to Choose?

The person we are today is not the person we will see in the mirror tomorrow. As we grow older (and hopefully wiser), we shed out of identities and slip into new ones. We are daughters, sons and some move into being wives, husbands, mothers, fathers and so on. Each time our identity takes on another form.

Recently, I walked into a store that had eastern clothing and accessories at my local mall. I was particularly drawn to their anklets. I was chatting with the woman that was working there and I said that I wear silver anklets all the time. She then asked me if I was Indian, and immediately I said, “yes!” As soon as I responded I thought to myself, “why did that feel so wrong?” I had a slight knot in my stomach. I felt unsure of my own answer. When I was doing my Masters in Psychology, I took such great pride in my Indianness. I wrote my entire thesis on Hindu goddesses and my relationship to them, but that was almost 11 years ago. So many identities I have shedded since then and taken on new ones. I went from being a daughter to a wife and recently I have been blessed to be a mother. Each time trying to find my place in this world. I felt so sure that I was Indian since I completed my graduate degree. Lately, however, I have been wondering, once again, the age old question: “who am I really?,” “who do I identify as?” I am a child of two people who immigrated here from India. I am married to a man who immigrated from India. I have only visited the subcontinent a total of 3 times. I was born and raised in the US of A. How does that make me Indian? If the scale was tipped more in one direction, does that make me more American or more Indian?

When I was in the Summer Bridge Program at Sonoma State University before my freshmen year, I was in my dorm room with a few of my friends and a mentor, who was African-American. We were all having a good time talking, and then our mentor stated that if she closed her eyes and listened to my voice she would think that I was black. At that point in time, being a young and ignorant 18 year old, I gave a loud and obnoxious answer of “Why thank you!” As I look back on this incident, what was I thinking at that time? What does it mean to sound Black? Perhaps she wanted to say I sounded “ghetto,” but what does that even mean? I have to admit, I sometimes make fun of family and friends of my community that they sound too “white.” As I am writing this, what does that even mean, sounding “white?” We are after all products of our environment. We will sound like those we grew up around.

I cannot count the number of times that I have been told that for an “American born” my Punjabi (my ancestral language) is very good. They all assume I was born in India because of my knowledge of the language. People are also surprised that I am teaching my three-year-old son Punjabi before English. I've received comments about him also speaking Punjabi very clearly. What is there to be surprised about? He will pick up English once he begins school, so I made it a point to make sure that he learns Punjabi at home. I am thankful that I learned my home language before English. Speaking multiple languages definitely comes in handy in the outside world, but it is interesting that people assume much about us based on how we look and where we are from. Here I look like those from India, but when I go to India, I will always be an American to them.

I did not only choose to teach my son Punjabi before English, I also chose to keep his hair long. I am keeping it long so one day he can wear a turban like his father. This is very prideful in our religious community (Sikh), but it's scary when there have been violent incidents where we live. Post 9/11 Sikh men wearing turbans have been mistaken for being Muslim terrorists. This is a clear example of ignorance. Firstly, not all Muslims are terrorists and secondly, Sikhism is a separate religion from Islam. There are Christian terrorists in this country as well, should one go around killing people simple because they are Christian? Something to think about! Despite this scary fact, I have been taught to never feel ashamed of myself. I hope to instill the same values in my son. If as an adult he chooses to cut his hair, I will support his choice. If that is what he identifies with, then I would be the last person to stop him. Every parent just wants their children to be happy about themselves.

Speaking of children! When people marry, the next question is most often about having children. I recently learned that it was rumored by some of my relatives in India, that because I was “American” I wanted to wait to have children or not have children at all. When I heard that, I nearly died laughing. Seriously! How dare they make up a story about something so sensitive. Furthermore, what do they know about me as a person? Nothing! Little do they know about our struggles in this matter. I cannot count the number of times people have asked me when will I have children. Often times followed by a statement of how many years I have been married. One of my aunts also compared me to my cousin, stating that “your cousin told her mother she won't have children until her brothers marry, you doing the same as her too?” Although her comments infuriated me, knowing that I had already been trying for years with no success, I simply answered “whenever God wills it.” Besides, I didn't decide to have kids to make my parents grandparents, or to make my siblings aunts and uncles, I became a parent because I wanted to. For five years my husband and I struggled to have children. Our son and firstborn came 7 years into our marriage. Our daughter came after 9! I will always remember my friend's wise words when I told him we were finally expecting our first. He said to me we count years, but the truth is that God has his own time and cannot be counted in years.

What I take from this is that once we stop discovering ourselves, it will be time to be “six feet under” or “burned to ashes.” At this junction of my life I am trying to figure out my cultural identity as well as my identity as a mom of 2. I got used to having my son and now we had a baby last year. I know I can do it. It will just take time to get into the groove of things. And this new question of what part of me is Indian and what part is American will all come into place and then it will change again!!!