Manners ... They're more like guidelines anyway!

What are manners? Is it making sure you place your napkin in your lap before you begin eating, or saying “excuse me” when you accidentally bump into someone on the street? What is considered good manners and how much does our culture influence that? Who is to say what manners are good versus bad? If you google the definition of manners you will find that one of the top definitions is the following, “polite or well-bred social behavior.” So, it seems to me that the word itself is meant to be a “good” thing, whatever that may be. If the word implies a more positive trait, then why are we judged to have “bad” manners when we do not conform to the social norms?

We as individuals are a product of our environment, manners are apart of that. What we believe to be good manners is what we are taught in our respective cultures. Because I grew up in the United States, I like my personal space. Whenever I attend any Indian festival, I always have a hard time with others pushing me and then not apologizing or saying excuse me. In my opinion they are being rude. There are few that may say excuse me, but it is not the norm in the Indian culture to have personal space or to say excuse me. It is the most uncomfortable situation. I am usually ready to get out of there before it all starts. India is the second most populated country in the world. I guess if they all started giving people personal space, perhaps people may start overflowing into the ocean! Now that I have 2 young children of my own, it is particularly disturbing when people do not give us space as I am struggling with my double stroller in a highly concentrated cultural festival. Now I do not have to only worry about my own safety, but also the safety of my babies. That is the most important!

Recently, I went to a cousin’s wedding. It was a semi formal American wedding, something my family is not used to. We have attended more Indian weddings than any other type of wedding. After the ceremony, people were getting drinks and eating appetizers. At our assigned table, my sister was sitting on one side and my father was sitting on the other. When the first course of our dinner arrived, I reached for my fork and realized that I did not have two anymore. I looked over to my father and saw that he took my fork for his salad. We had a great laugh and then taught our dad about how things work when there is already a setting at the table. In most Indian wedding receptions the food is served buffet style, so there is no need to worry about cutlery settings. In looking back at this situation, had this been a very formal setting, my father would have been perceived as having “bad” table manners. The fact is, that in the Indian culture, we mostly eat with our hands. Roti and Naan are breads that require no utensils, and the vegetables we eat alongside with them are scooped with the bread. The question I keep coming up with is, who is to determine what is good and what would be considered bad? Salad forks or entree forks, who cares?! They all get the job done, don’t they? Taking another person’s cutlery is a minor offence.

Burping … My son burps when he is eating and laughs. Afterwards I usually ask him “what do you say when you burp?” then he responds with, “excuse me.” I am teaching my son these manners I believe to be good, but the funny thing is that my parents didn’t teach me any of this. Once I started my journey into womanhood, I was instructed not to go outside to play with my neighborhood friends. I was told girls shouldn’t go outside galavanting, it is not lady like. That was the extent to what my parents taught me about manners. Why was that decided for me by my culture and by my mother? It was the way our culture has done it for centuries ... I guess! This concept at the age of 12 was very foreign to me, especially since before then I was allowed to freely play with my younger brother around the neighborhood as long as I liked. What I have learned is from outside interactions with friends, and because of them, I knew which fork was the salad fork at wedding! I felt that learning the social norms would be a good tool for me to better function in the outside world. Until I began to work I did not have a lot of role models to show me what was lady like, so when I started my job in my early 20s, I used my director as my role model. I decided that it was important to me to have the napkin on my lap when I eat, saying “excuse me” when I burp, and smiling at a stranger passing me by just to name a few. I realized that not everyone will be comfortable with these actions, however, this is what I believe to be proper.

An act of endearment in one culture can be considered offensive in another. For example, kissing the cheek is a way many cultures greet when they see someone. In others they shake hands or put their hands together to say hello and kissing may seem foreign. I have an uncle who, for as long as I can remember, kisses on the cheek whenever he sees a relative (female or male). That is his way of saying “hello” and that is part of his “culture,” even though he is my father's cousin. Many years ago, he was saying bye to a female relative of ours and she became quite offended when he kissed her to say goodbye. It was just an innocent peck on the cheek! Why exactly did she feel offended? We shall never know. The fact is that two people closely related to one another, can misunderstand each other. Imagine if they were strangers! Now this female relative hasn’t spoken to my uncle in years because of, what I feel is, a misunderstanding. India is where the Kama Sutra comes from and where people have babies like rabbits, and yet a peck on the cheek from a family member is an unspeakable sin!

My sister told me a great story about manners. While she was in college, she lived with my great- aunt. One evening she went with her to our uncle's home for dinner. One of his daughters reached into a bowl of cut fruit before dinner and both her mother and father ripped into her. She was told that they taught her better manners. They pointed out, in front of my sister, what they thought to be “good” manners. My sister witnessed this whole incident and thought, “Well I do this at home all the time, are my manners ‘bad’?” She mentioned that the rest of the night she felt that she was under a microscope and needed to watch her manners. Why should anyone feel that the way in which they conduct themselves are considered to be bad manners? In our home we were encouraged by our mother to eat fruit regardless of the time. Everyday our mom would cut fruit to have with dinner and if we ran out before our meal she would cut more.

In the end manners are just a bunch of “how tos” that a few someones decided to list as a way of conducting oneself in public. There are many people who may argue that if you have good manners, that doesn’t mean you are necessarily a good or bad person. Why should anyone be judged if they do not fit into the model of what, in present day, is considered to be “good” manners? We all come from different backgrounds and learn our best manners based on the norms of our culture. The best way to approach this is to have a better understanding, respect as well as openness to learn about different ways of living. Whenever I find myself in a new situation, I always enjoy learning another way of life. As google so kindly put it, many of us are raised to have well-bred or polite social conduct. Our cultural background has a tremendous role on how we conduct ourselves in social settings. …. Manners …take them for what you like, they’re more like guidelines anyways.

**BURP**