Hmmm... Plastic Surgery?

We have been conditioned to believe a specific definition of beauty based on our culture. There is light skin/dark skin, thin/plus size, dark hair/light hair, long hair/short hair, tall/short, flat belly/not so flat, and much more. Recently I was watching a youtube video about plastic surgery in Korea and I learned a lot from it. There were very specific facial features that were desired among those who had plastic surgery. Most of the people who were shown in this particular video were Asian, but one stuck out. There was a man towards the end who was white and he got plastic surgery so he could look Asian. The change was quite drastic and very shocking. I wonder what was so appealing to him that he decided to look Asian? While I had the response of being shocked, we do not know if he was born there and grew up in the Korean culture. The young person sharing these photos also talked about the fact that in Korea there is a huge emphasis on the way people look. Looking back at all the pictures shown, most of the women who had plastic surgery looked exactly the same. Their noses had the same shape and most of them had jaw work. This shows what their requirements of beauty are as a culture. It seems to me that they were more youthful looking as well post surgery. So were they going for beauty, youth or both? Or perhaps is youth supposed to mean beauty?

When applying for a job, one is required to send his or her photo along with the job application in Korea. When I heard about having to send a photo in for employment, I immediately thought about how in the Indian culture that is what we to do find a marriage match. The first question asked when there is a potential match, “where is the picture?” I am not dismissing the fact that in something as important as marriage, looks are certainly a factor. After all you have to wake up next to the person and see his or her face every morning. Don’t want to be frightened out of your wits every day! It isn’t only that, songs in our language often times compliment the woman with the fairest skin, slim hips and rosy lips, just to name a few. That is the definition of a beautiful women in the culture I grew up in. The shade of one’s skin is definitely placed high on the list across the board in many cultures. Light shade is seen as a sign of beauty and darker shade is always the “undesirable” skin color. There is a huge industry in skin lightening creams in India. People with light skin want to maintain their skin and those who have a darker complexion hope that by using the creams they will get lighter. India is the leader of the pack when it comes to lightening creams in the world. In America we have the opposite “problem” where people want to be darker, using tanning salons and self tanning solutions to look like those who use lightening creams. Oh the irony!

In American culture I see the messages on how one should look as having a more subtle approach. We have media showing us through magazines that men should have six packs and women need to have slim hips and flawless skin and much more. In my younger days I used to watch the “Tyra Banks Show,” and I remember one episode where she was talking about how she has no calves. In every picture she has ever taken while modeling they had to add more to her legs below the knees. In other words, she was photoshopped to fit the definition of beauty in the culture we live in. I am talking about this because I have always been very conscious about my own calves. I, like Tyra Banks, have nothing below the knees. I have always made fun of myself by calling my legs “chicken legs.” After having my daughter last year, I found a new sense of self. I decided to hell with my calves, I am going to wear dresses. I have the body that I have and I am the only one who can love it the best!

After I married, a close relative of my husband’s kept making comments about my appearance. I was 5’8” and about 120 lbs, my lowest ever. I was admittedly thin, but I have to say, I felt very healthy and more alive I have ever felt. This relative kept telling me I was weak (meaning no upper body strength), simply because I was thin, and that I had no shape because my chest was small. When I went on my first trip to India as a married woman, she went as far as to tell my husband’s cousin to get me a bra that would “enhance” my shape. The cousin actually purchased a bra and gave it to me. I looked at her in shock. It angered me that I was put under such a microscope. I threw the bra back at the cousin and said, “you can keep it, what am I to put in it to make it fit, socks?” They responded by laughing. I hadn't been told this for the first time, it had been mentioned many times immediately after I got married. This is just one of many stories I have of this particular person commenting on my physical appearance. I am fine with the size of my chest. I don’t have to wear a bra if I don’t want, and I do not have to worry about any back issues due to excess weight of big boobs! She has taken pride in her appearance. She is fair skinned and those who are not, are not as pretty according to her. That is the type of thinking I feel is not the way to go. We all have feelings and emotions around our own body image. If someone is lighter or darker than you or me, that should not be determine the beauty that lies within.

The media shows us that we need to wear makeup to hide our “flaws,” whatever that means! Since I got married, I have been mindlessly wearing foundation. One of the things a new bride in the Indian culture gets from both parties (bride and groom's family) is tons of makeup. Let’s think about what message that sends to young brides. Recently I have been told, by people I know and don't know alike, that my skin is so nice I do not need it. So then why have I been wearing it? During my wedding I was “taught” what makeup to wear and how to wax and bleach. At first I mindlessly did those things, but I then realized I was putting chemicals onto my skin that had no business there. Why you may ask? I'll tell you. Because a few someones told me when I was about to get married that the way I looked was not pretty! Why the hell did it matter to them? What compelled them to want to “fix me”? I let people show me the way of beauty. I really am seeing how we get sucked into what media and culture defines us to be. With these realizations I am redefining my sense of self and what beauty means to ME, not anyone else.

My husband said something very profound when I asked him about what beauty meant to him. Though he did not give me specifics, he told me that before he would have based someone's beauty solely on looks, but now he feels the beauty is in a person's mentality. At first I got irritated with him because he wasn't saying, fair skin and slim hips, etc. I quickly realized that I was fishing for that answer. This was his genuine response. After letting his comments sit with me, I realized he gave me of an example of his view of beauty today. He goes jogging most mornings quite early and he mentioned seeing an elderly woman who is usually walking before he gets to the track. He said to me, “her determination to do this when all the younger generations are still asleep is what I felt was beautiful about her.” I did not understand what he was saying then, but as a couple of days have passed since our conversation, I get it. You can be a beautiful model, and have a terrible attitude. That attitude is what determines beauty for my husband. It goes back to the relative I talked about earlier. She feels she is beautiful simply because she has fair skin. I do not think she has any beauty on the inside because she is always finding ways to put me down. How is that “Beautiful”? Lately, I have made a choice to start eliminating those types of ugly people from my life. It only lasts so long to have “pretty” looking people in your life with negative attitudes.

Sometimes it is hard to separate what our culture wants us to look like versus what WE actually want for ourselves. It is even a greater challenge to deconstruct and rebuild your own definition of beautiful. Because of the pressures placed by society, we become our own harsh critics. I have been looking at what I feel comfortable wearing and doing for myself. I would like to say that in the past I had a strong sense of self, If someone says something repeatedly it is hard not to internalize it. I am learning once again to love the body I have and that I do not have to please anyone by looking a certain way! I am going to wear what I like and feel comfortable in. Make-up or not, glasses or no glasses, dress or pants, that should all be my choice not someone else's. When you look in the mirror you will see YOUR body, and only you can love it the best. Do not let anyone tell you how to hate your body because you only have one. Besides, plastic surgery is expensive and it hurts!