She Loves Me, He Loves Not

“I couldn’t help but notice that you look a lot like my next girlfriend.” You all may recognize this as a line from the popular movie “Hitch” so did I … and so did the guy who tried to use it on me. We may not believe this to be true, but what we hear in songs, and see in movies or televisions (or read in books...naughty… I see you reading 50 hues of all them colors on public transportation) actually shapes how we think, especially when it comes to romance. We learn what romance is and what to give and receive for it to be seen as a romantic gesture. Behavior is something that is taught. When we are born, we don't know how to act. We learn behavior from the people we are around. What we see around us, including media, our parents and others in our lives, is what we believe to be the correct way to woo someone.

One of my favorite childhood memories was when every weekend my parents would rent a Bollywood film, and we would all sit in front of the tv and watch it. This was my first experience with what love looks like. As a child I never really understood how these films related to real life, and I would have so many questions for my mom afterward. If you have never seen a 90’s Bollywood film let me break it down for ya. First the boy sees girl, then boy pursues girl through a song and dance number. By the end of the song the girl falls in love with boy, but the story does not end there! There is always some sort of obstacle in the way, sometimes there is a pending arranged marriage on the girl’s end, or the parents are simply not happy. 3 hours later everyone sees that the boy and girl deserve to be together, and they get married OR you get the Romeo and Juliet ending. That is where one or both people die because they cannot bare life without the other. Whatever happened to the idea of plenty of fish in the sea?

As a child this could have been damaging to me, and for a short while it was. I thought that all I had to do was wait for prince charming to find me, and this whole scenario would unfold. Let's take a second to look at what, “Prince Charming” implies. It means the “Perfect” man, the only person in the world who can save you from yourself. However, Bollywood films are not the only media I was exposed to as a child. Remember Disney films? They have characters named PRINCE FREAKING CHARMING!! (no questions there) Time and time again, the protagonist would always save the damsel in distress. The Prince would be there to help the princess up whenever she fell and make everything right again. My favorite Princess was Belle from “Beauty and the Beast,” simply because she was different. She was smart and loved to read and it was her actions that lead to releasing the beast from the spell. With all of this in mind, Belle still needed to be saved by some manly muscles. As time goes on and social norms change, so have the films we watch. Admittedly, Disney has stepped away from this cookie cutter story line and ventured out a little into the wild of reality. (Moana, Zootopia, Inside Out… ETC. ) However, the classic films will always be around and they will have their effect on how we see things.

In the 1989 film “Say Anything” there is that classic boombox serenade scene that almost everyone has heard of. Stop me when this starts to sound familiar, the boy holds up a boombox in front of the open window and is blasting a love song. On the other end of the window there is a girl receiving the song. This is not the only place where I have seen this scenario played out. I've seen it in other media such as films, sitcoms, songs and music videos. The boombox serenade is not the only grand gesture media is responsible for nowadays, the flash mob serenade is the go to. The flash mob is where partner A hires dancers to dance in public once partner B is present. It combines the boombox and dancing all in one. Whatever the case, who would not want to be serenaded in any way, shape or form? I wouldn’t mind! ;)

Gender roles are also a major factor. We usually see that the boy is the one who has to make the “move,” while the girl can wait and be won over. This idea actually relates to good ol’ Charlie Darwin’s theory on sexual selection. The theory basically says that one gender in a species has evolved and develops something that is desirable to the other gender. One of the animals Darwin did his research on was the peacock and peahen. The peacock is known for it’s big and colorful feathers. Unfortunately, these feathers are not simply meant for us humans to enjoy, but they are for the peacock to put on display to win over a mate. So based on this, is it safe to assume that romance is the thing that men put on display for the women? There are many scientific studies that back this up. When humans pick someone to mate with they do look for a select few things, such as facial features, smell, and body type (comment below if you want to see more on this topic!). Being romantic with your significant other simply shows that you care to make the other person happy. On an evolutionary scale this translates as having a mate who will always be there for you.

Throughout my teen years I thought that grand gestures are what counts when it comes to being romantic, but boy was I wrong! As an adult, I have realized that ain't nobody got time fa all that! What we see in media is not an accurate depiction of reality. We do not see all of the small romantic gestures. The bigger gestures are for the world to see, so that others can see that person A did this thing for person B. The smaller things are just for the two people to share, it may be a note left in the other’s lunch bag or a text message just to say that you’re missing them. These smaller romantic gestures are not displayed in media, and as a result, people do not think to do these small little things… and it won't cost an arm and a leg to do, in fact FREE! Not to mention that spending so much time and money on something, is not realistic. Life changes and there will always be work and there may be children in the picture, and it is just not feasible to do these big things all the time. Movies do not depict responsibilities of everyday life, it is all about love, nothing else matters in the world. The boy has to get the girl and that’s it.

Speaking of boy and girl… what about boy and boy? Or girl and girl? We have only recently seen gay couples on the screen. However many of these depictions feed into stereotypes we have about gay couples. There will always be the more masculine of the two, and there will always be the more feminine of the two. Usually the more masculine counterpart will be the one who does all of the romantic things. Media does this so that they can fit the same sex couples into the gender roles discussed earlier. From my real world experience, I can tell you that’s not always the case. There is actually a lot we can learn from this. It shows us that when it comes to romance, gender roles are not important. The media shows us that the woman is the one who needs to be wooed, however, it is important for both people to feel loved and cared for. You love who you love and should show it. I know that this post was primarily about romantic love, but it is important to show all the people you love your appreciation for their presence in your life.