Is Sugar and Spice Really Nice?

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Last weekend, I had a conversation with a friend of mine about breaking out of tradition. For the longest time I have tried to fit into the mold of what is considered traditional and lately, I have been questioning that. My friend made a great point that many women have been pushing back in every generation, in our own respective eras. The culture I grew up in, a woman’s job is to finish school and then get married, have kids and be submissive to her husband and his family. That is it! Recently, I came to the realization that this is what I had done with my own life. I did the education part, and before I graduated, people started to tell my parents about potential “suitors.” I am not ashamed to say that I decided to go onto graduate school just to avoid marriage a little longer. I am so glad a degree came out of it and by that time I was prepared mentally for marriage, but was I really? As I reflect back, I wonder if I was ready or was it that society pressured me into being ready?

When I was 21 I was introduced to a young man, from afar, never spoke to him, we both only saw one another. I was so not ready for a relationship let alone a marriage proposal. In the days to come I things started to progress a bit fast. My heart was not in it, but I felt the need to test fate and I said YES. Will things go in my favor or will things go too far with this proposal? From deep within I knew this wasn’t going to work out because I was not ready and sure enough it didn’t work out. I was not surprised that it worked in my favor, but I was shocked at the reason as to why it fell through. I know you are dying to know why! Here it is… The guy’s father was very concerned that I may want to become a doctor. When he heard I was doing my undergraduate work in Psychology, he automatically concluded that at some point I would want a PhD. So he would agreed to the marriage if I quit my studies. My dad was having no part of that! He didn’t even have to think about it before saying “see ya!” The first thing my dad said to me after was, “why the hell would anyone want an uneducated daughter?” My dad may have said daughter, but this clearly showed they were looking for a “daughter in law!” I honestly had never felt more proud to have a dad like mine. Both my parents went on to support me to get my Masters in Psychology. I had the best time during those years and met people I am still good friends with.

My parents’ forward thinking encouraged me to be the person I am today. I started a business recently, that definitely requires out of the box thinking and is not the norm. I do not work for anyone, and honestly I was not happy when I was working for someone. My degree says a lot too. Most people who know me, might not even know that I started my university with a nursing major. I quickly realized that the nursing profession wasn't for me! At the end of my first year, I remember calling my mom and crying and telling her that I didn't think nursing was for me. To my surprise, she was very encouraging and wanted me to follow my dreams. Psychology isn't the typical major most South Asians go for. I wasn't fitting into the norm of studying to be a doctor, nurse, lawyer, or an engineer! That scared me a bit because as far as I could remember, I was going to go to school and become a nurse. I am not sure how that thought began, but it had been long ingrained in my mind! Because of the fact my parents encouraged me to follow my dreams, I went into a discipline of interest to me, not what what others expected of me!

This blog is another example. I was expected to get married, have children and do what my husband says, according to society. My sister and I weren't raised that way! In fact till this day we have healthy discussions and debates with our dad. We talk about current events and topics such as those discussed in this blog. There are times we also argue about whatever topic has come up. The point is that our father and mother have always helped us think outside the box. We may not have thought to start a blog had they not given us this foundation. According to cultural expectations women should not think. God forbid that we speak our minds!

There are so many circumstances that shape us to be the way we are today. It is even more difficult for us to break that which has been ingrained in us from a young age. As a child, I used to roam freely around the neighborhood and ride my bike with my younger brother. It was okay for me to do all that until puberty hit. I was of childbearing age and it was expected that I was to learn household chores and get ready for marriage. As a woman I needed to know how to cook, clean, and take care of my family. I remember missing being able to go and visit with my neighborhood friends. The message that I took was that I couldn't go outside to play with friends any longer, girls/women do not go outside the home alone period! I have carried that message with me since childhood and I am now working on dismantling it. I have had anxiety around going anywhere, but now I go places with my children and also I enjoy going alone. I cannot say I am always comfortable with it, but I am working on that part by going and getting things done outside of my home more often. I also chose a path in my professional life that will help me to step out of this comfortable spot and do work that will help others.

Why should we be limited to certain tasks or have certain accomplishments in life based on our gender? I feel that I, as a woman, have lived life according to what culture said. Today I am debunking a lot of what I have learned and I am creating a new reality for myself and my family. As a mom, I also want to be an example to my children. I am adamant that this cycle not repeat itself in my family. I want my children to see that men and women have the same value in society. In our home both mommy and daddy wash the dishes and cook, and both mommy and daddy work. We are doing our very best to show them that we all pitch in and help one another. Nothing is gender specific. The cycle repeats itself if we don't take the reins and change the course. I challenge you to do the same!

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