Ethical Slut

Polyamory, non- monogamy, ethical slut… these words recently presented themselves in my life. A really good friend of mine recently shared with me that she had adopted the polyamorous lifestyle. After she and I talked, I went home and thought to myself, “polyamory, what does it really mean?” I had heard of the word before, but never knew of anyone who openly shared being apart of that community. My friend was very open about everything with me, but I realized that I still felt as though it was a very foreign concept. According to my good ole buddy, Google, polyamory is “the philosophy or state of being in love or romantically involved with more than one person at the same time.” Many relationships fall apart because one or both parties could not meet the needs of the other, but what if just ONE person didn’t have to meet needs in a romantic relationship?

Polyamory is not a foreign practice, in our very good ‘ole US of A in the 1800s there were polyamorous communities that were all for “free love.” As long as the adults were consenting there was nothing wrong with people having multiple partners. There are not only emotional benefits to this lifestyle, but economical benefits as well. It truly takes an entire village to raise a family, so if you have more than two adults in the household watching over the children, you are creating a healthier environment as well as a safe one. I grew up learning about the epics of Ramayan (better known as Ramayana), Mahabharat (Mahabharata) and the epic of Lord Krishna. In each of those epics men, especially those in power, had multiple wives. This was more the case in royalty. Kings were married into other kingdoms, sometimes not by choice, so it was quite common for them to marry other women for love. Now I know this is perhaps better defined as polygamy, but I feel there is a correlation between the two, even though they are not the same. Polygamy is marrying multiple people whereas polyamory does not require that level of commitment.

There are many Middle Eastern countries that have no problem with men having multiple wives as long as he has the financial means to support them. As my friend shared with me, there are many benefits to having multiple romantic partners. Each partner fulfills a different need, not only on a physical level but also on a deeper emotional level. Just to name a couple Jada Pinkett- Smith and Will Smith have an open relationship as well as Justin Timberlake and Jessica Beil. Jada has publicly stated that Will Smith is a man of great integrity and as long as he can look himself in the mirror and feel good at the end of the day, she is good with it. The polyamorous world is more common than we think. These famous couples among many have chosen a path that suits their needs. This is what is most important in the end.

Just last week I was listening to a podcast on polygamy and I learned so much from it! The concept and practice has been around in our communities longer than we think about. I learned that just 3%-5% of mammals are meant to be monogamous, to my surprise we are not among that 3%-5%! There is a group of people in Nepal who practice the union between a woman and a man and his brothers. So basically a woman with a whole bunch of suga’ daddies. The eldest of the brothers is the dominant husband. I found this quite intriguing because whenever I hear any word describing an individual in a relationship with multiple partners, I automatically think of a man. When I watched the epics of Ramayan, Mahabharat and Krishna, mostly men were marrying numerous women. There was only one epic, Mahabharat, where a woman, Draupadi, married 5 brothers, which was even seen as scandalous and was totally done by accident (I know you want to know more, but that is whole ‘nother blog post!).

So the moral of the story is that this is a lifestyle one chooses, and there is nothing wrong with it as long as the people involved are being safe. Then again that goes for any lifestyle, now doesn’t it? In our blog posts we talk a lot about judgement. As I was excitedly sharing with a friend that I was writing a post on Polyamory, his facial expression changed from a smile to complete and utter disgust. There were a few people I spoke to who had similar responses to my blog topic. The fact is that we live in a world where monogamy is expected and many people cannot even fathom having a relationship outside of the person they are with. STD’s are often mentioned when talking about multiple partners, but as I began to think about this I realized that a person in a monogamous relationship can also get an STD …. Meaning someone was not faithful. As mentioned before, humans are simply not wired to be with one partner. Through studying our fellow great apes, we humans, are the only ones who practice monogamy. PEOPLE, it’s a social construct!!! It is in the norm to be with one person, and one person only, but it then becomes the argument of nature versus nurture. You get to decide what path to choose.

Bottom line is, if someone is seeking love and pleasure from multiple partners, let them. No one made a face of disgust because one has chosen to be monogamous, so why should it be the case for the opposite? I love the way my friend described it, “I did not want to be under the pressure of being someone’s one and all, nor do I want to do that to someone.” People use different means to self discovery, and polyamory is another way. We learn about ourselves through our relationships. My friend has discovered what is working for her and as I mentioned before, as long as she and others remain safe in their relationships, monogamous or polyamorous, I am in full support. No one particular lifestyle is going to work for everyone. It is all about finding the culture that suits your needs. Don’t prejudge someone else’s choices if they do not align with the choices you have made. Listen with an open heart and open mind, there’s always more to the story than you know.